Love and Loyalty
by oliviakate55
Summary: Olivia's got big news but something happens and just when she need's Elliot's support the most, his life is thrown into chaos. Can the two of them pull through together? Slightly AU
1. Chapter 1

She was going to tell him tonight.

Cragen already knew. He had brought the topic up to her after they had closed the fertility clinic case last month. Their discussion had been overall positive but Olivia knew that though he was supportive, Cragen was worried about her raising a child on her own.

Elliot, however, had not brought the topic up again, which was fine by her. With her first appointment looming however, she knew that as her partner, he needed to know why she wouldn't be out in the field as much over the next few weeks. Cragen insisted she take it easy to give her body the rest it needed and increase her chances of getting pregnant.

Their current case was exhausting the pair of detectives. They had been after a serial rapist with a penchant for duct tape, box cutters, and young blondes for the past four days with only sporadic naps in the cribs. The exhaustion was starting to settle in.

Sitting at her desk, Olivia nervously chewed her pen cap; a habit she had picked up recently and one that did not go unnoticed by her partner.

From where he sat at the desk opposite her, he could tell she was anxious. To anyone else, she was difficult to read. Hell, even Munch rarely had any idea what she was thinking from one moment to the next, but Elliot had studied her. From the moment they met, Elliot had made it his mission to figure her out; to peel away the layers one by one and figure out what makes her tick.

Elliot had always been fascinated by his strikingly beautiful yet oh so complicated partner. He often found himself replaying conversations while he was trying to fall asleep at night or watching her while she worked as if he were trying to memorize her every facet. He had never been so wonderfully perplexed or so inextricably drawn to another person before. He felt a pull to stand closer, to touch unexpectedly, and to linger in her presence just a little longer than socially acceptable.

He loved her. Of that he was painfully and wonderfully aware. Just being her work partner would never satisfy him but he would never, ever break his marriage vows. If Elliot was anything, he was loyal and though he and Kathy had their disagreements, things with them were loving enough when he was home. His life Kathy was safe, comfortable, normal and routine. Olivia did not fit into that routine and he accepted that. Always had, always would.

Cragen barreled out of his office suddenly and snapped Elliot from his musings. He had been very focused on the spot just above her collar bone where he could see her muscles flex every time she hummed to herself or spoke or moved. Now, he shook his head, squeezed his cerulean eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to refocus himself.

"Go home." Cragen stated bluntly. "All of you. I don't want to see you until Monday morning."

Fin and Munch were on their feet instantly, shuffling files on their desks and trying to put things in their proper places while putting on their winter coats at the same time. They each looked at Olivia and Elliot expectantly but neither had moved.

Liv was focused on completing her DD5 and Elliot was rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. Looking back towards one another, Munch and Fin, shrugged and called their goodbyes over their shoulders while making their way to the elevator.

"Feel like grabbing a bite? Elliot asked, standing, stretching his arms above her head and reaching for his coat and scarf. "We haven't had a good meal in days. Might do us both some good."

"Yeah, just let me finish this last form." Olivia responded mid-yawn.

Olivia sighed internally. She had momentarily contemplated waiting a few more days to break the news to Elliot that she would be trying to start a family soon but maybe this wasn't going to be as hard as she anticipated. After all, it was Elliot who kept reassuring her that she would be a good mom so he shouldn't have any problem with her pursuing it, right? Even if it was through a sperm donor?

"And why do I need his approval anyway?" She asked herself, trying to build up her internal protective walls as she buttoned her pea coat. She knew why. It was a silly question. He was the only person she had ever relied on. But still, she didn't want to talk about why she was choosing a sperm donation instead of trying a little harder in the dating game. She didn't want to tell him that no matter who she met, they would never, ever compare to him. And she certainly didn't want him to ask how she really felt about having to pick out men from files instead of walking down the aisle towards the man of her dreams. She just wanted to tell him what her decision was and end the discussion.

"Yeah, that'll happen." She thought, chastising herself silently.

When she had told Cragen, he was nothing but encouraging. His only advice was that she should tell Elliot sooner rather than after she had gotten pregnant. She wasn't sure why but assumed that Cragen was just trying to prevent the inevitable fight when he found out she had hid something this important from him. So Olivia relented even though she much preferred to keep these kinds of things to herself for the sake of the rest of the squad.

Interrupting Olivia's thoughts, Elliot stood up and tossed the keys to the sedan towards her.

"Can you drive? I'm starting to see double."

"Sure." She swiped the keys as the slid towards her on the desk. "Have any place in mind?"

"Not really. Italian sounds good though."

"Mmkay. How about Gerogio's?"

"Perfect" Elliot replied as he tied the dark brown scarf around his neck that Olivia had bought him for Christmas. She loved when he wore it because his eyes looked so much more intense when contrasted with the brown. She shivered slightly when his arm brushed hers as they walked to the elevator and when he put his hand on the small of her back as he held open the door, she felt her chest tighten. This was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

_She shivered slightly when his arm brushed hers as they walked to the elevator. When he put his hand on the small of her back as he held open the door, she felt her chest tighten with appreciation and something deeper. This was going to be a long night._

Giorgio's was crowded but sometimes being a cop had its perks. Olivia and Elliot had worked a case involving the owner's wife a few years ago and now whenever they stopped by, Mr. Giorgio always managed to get them a table.

Sitting with his back towards crowded dining room, Elliot stared at Olivia as she placed her order. She seemed subdued, he thought; cautious even.

"So, what's up? You seem lost in thought." Elliot said as he bit off a piece of garlic bread. Olivia had barely said a word since sitting down in the corner booth. In fact, she kept staring into the dining room as if she was trying to figure something out.

"Hmm? Oh, no, it's nothing."

Olivia shook her head slightly and concentrated on her own piece of bread for a second before looking up and meeting Elliot's eyes again.

"It's just, I need to talk to you about something but I need you to not be an ass. Think you can manage that?" Olivia's eyes glinted with mischief as she spoke and Elliot's narrowed his in mock anger at her statement. She needed their regular banter, their normal back and forth word play to garner the courage to open up. And besides, it was kind of fun to get Elliot riled up.

"Wow, have a little faith in my here, Liv! I may be a smart ass but I'm not a jack ass!"

Olivia cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, I'm not a jack ass to you!"

Olivia raised both eyebrows this time and held his gaze.

"Okay, okay, but not when it's serious!"

Liv burst out laughing and Elliot, realizing she had been playing him, relaxed and let out a soft chuckle.

"El, it's just, you know how I am. I play it close to the vest. I don't like to let people know what's going on but this affects you too to some degree and you have the right to kno…hang on. I swear I keep seeing Kathy." Olivia sat up a little higher and craned her neck towards the other end of the dining room.

"Kathy? My Kathy?" Elliot asked, confused. "Nah, she's working a double tonight. She tried to get off early but when I talked to her earlier she said the bus crash on 24th has her pulling an extra shift. I think Maureen is with the twins and Eli."

Olivia nodded. "I'm sure I'm seeing things. We've been up for how many hours now?" She smiled and turned her attention back to her partner.

"Anyway," She took a big breath. "What I started to say was that I think you need to be awar-" Liv's attention was again diverted when applause erupted from the other end of the restaurant. A man and the woman who Olivia had mistaken for Kathy were standing in front of their table locked in a passionate kiss.

"Must've gotten engaged." Elliot mused, tuning back to his garlic bread and popping another piece into his mouth.

With Olivia still looking on, the couple pulled away from each other and looked at the cheering crowd. Olivia's eyes were suddenly wide, her hand shot to her mouth and her stomach dropped. Elliot hadn't seen her yet but there was no mistaking it this time. Kathy, Elliot's wife of 20 some years, had just gotten engaged to another man and was currently showing off her ring to the waitress.

Elliot gave Olivia a confused look as she locked her wide and terrified eyes on his. He immediately swiveled his whole body in his chair towards the commotion.

And just like that he was gone. Elliot had made it half way across the restaurant by the time Olivia had processed that he had gotten up from the table. She quickly followed his tense and shaking frame and called his name knowing that what came next would not be good for anyone involved if Elliot reached Kathy's table before she got to him.

Olivia's cry startled some of the restaurant patrons including Kathy who turned her head just in time to see Elliot's fist connect with the face of the man she was sitting with.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Elliot was inches from his face with his hand around his neck. His voice was horse with emotion and eerily quiet and his whole body shook with a rage Olivia had never seen.

Liv ran to his side and put her hand gently on his bicep.

"El. El, let him go."

"ELLIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! LET GREG GO!" Kathy suddenly screamed, as if waking from a trance, and launched herself at Greg, elbowing Olivia in the face in the process. Olivia was caught off guard and fell backwards into the table behind them and crashed to the floor. Only then did Elliot release his hold on Greg.

Bending down to help Olivia to her feet, Elliot's expression changed from rage to panic and back again in an instant. Olivia could read so much sadness in his eyes when he pulled her off the ground and helped her brush the lingering food off her jacket.

As soon as Elliot was convinced that Olivia was okay, he turned back to Kathy who had gotten Greg to sit back down and was now tending to his broken nose.

"Kathy." Elliot breathed, rage bubbling to the surface once again. "Tell me this guy didn't actually ask you to marry him. Where the fuck would he get the idea that you were even remotely interested or available?"

"Look, buddy," Greg interjected, standing up once again. "I don't know who the hell you think you are or how you know my fiancé but you need to get out of her face and back the hell off!"

Elliot lunged at Greg again. As Olivia made for Elliot, the owner of the restaurant appeared and ordered them out. Olivia dragged Elliot towards the door as Kathy and Greg were escorted by Mr. Giorgio

Only once the cold night air hit them did Olivia remember they had left their coats at the table. As she turned to head back into the restaurant to retrieve them, Mr. Giorgio met her at the door, coats in hand. She gave him an apologetic look and thanked him. By the time she had turned back around, Kathy and Greg were getting into a cab and Elliot was nowhere to be seen.


	3. Chapter 3

_Only once the cold night air hit them did Olivia remember they had left their coats at the table. As she turned to head back into the restaurant to retrieve them, Mr. Giorgio met her at the door, coats in hand. She gave him an apologetic look and thanked him. By the time she had turned back around, Kathy and Greg were getting into a cab and Elliot was nowhere to be seen. _

Two hours later, Olivia was curled up on her couch trying to sleep. She finally turned off the television and rolled to face the back of the couch when she heard a key in her lock. She stiffened and turned over on her back just in time to glimpse Elliot move into her kitchen. She lay watching him, breathing shallowly so he wouldn't hear. Elliot never used his key without permission, not that she minded, but she wondered exactly what was going through his mind right now.

As she watched him, he placed both hands on the counter and lowered his head, breathing harshly. She debated whether she should pretend to be asleep. She knew Elliot would never want her to see him upset. He kept a strong wall around his heart especially when it came to his marriage. Sometimes, his wall was even stronger than hers if that was possible.

And then she heard it. Elliot shuddered and let out a sob. Elliot didn't cry. He got angry, threw chairs, punched walls, cursed, and broke things, but he didn't cry. Yet here he was, standing in her darkened kitchen, assuming she was asleep in her bedroom with tears streaming down his face and glistening in the moonlight.

Olivia didn't need any more convincing. She rose immediately and went to him, placing her left hand on his shoulder. He flinched. Undeterred, Olivia placed her right hand on top of his and squeezed. He gave a faint effort into pulling his arm away but she held on and he gave in.

Olivia moved her hand from his bicep, slid it around his upper back and pulled him just a little closer. "El, I was so worried." She started quietly, not wanting to stir any of his emotions. "Where did you go?"

"Home." He shuddered after a few moments of silence. "I packed a suitcase and then waited for Kathy to come home. I thought maybe she would at least want to talk. She never showed."

Olivia sighed and straightened to look him in the eye. "El, I don't know what to say. I'm not even sure I understand completely what is going on. Unless you two got divorced without me knowing, I'm pretty sure she can't marry another man."

Elliot pulled away suddenly and walked to the couch, his shoulders stiff and his hands running roughly through his short hair. He sat down and put his elbows on his knees. "I don't want to talk about it, Liv. I can't talk about it. Not tonight. I just…can I crash on your couch for a few hours?"

"Um, sure. Yeah, of course you can, Elliot. You don't even need to ask. That couch is always yours. I'll be in my bedroom, if you want to talk." And with that, a very confused Olivia walked to her bedroom and quietly closed the door.

Elliot walked to Olivia's linen closet and grabbed an extra blanket. He padded back to the couch, unbuckled his black leather belt and slid his work pants down. He carefully folded his pants and set them on the coffee table with his belt. He did the same with his white button down shirt and blue striped tie that Kathleen had given him a couple Father's Days ago. As he settled back on Olivia's couch, he inhaled the scent of her shampoo that lingered on the plush, white pillow, and he let another tear fall down his cheek. If only she knew what he had never been brave enough tell her, how much he had given up in his life.

The sun came all too early for Olivia who had spent the past few hours staring at the ceiling and listening for any movement out in her living room. She had finally settled her mind enough to sleep when her alarm rang and startled her from her half-asleep state. She must have forgotten to turn it off yesterday. She pushed the silk sheets down her body and lifted her arms above her head as she pointed her toes and stretched out her muscles. Her body ached with exhaustion and her head was pounding. She slipped her tank top over her head as she walked towards the bathroom for a long shower.

Olivia slipped her black sweatpants down her long and muscular legs and walked to turn on the water. As she waited for the water to warm, she studied her face in the mirror. The circles under her eyes would need to be covered with more attention than usual today as they seemed to have grown exponentially in the last few hours. She sighed and let her eyes wander over her high cheek bones, perfect lips and back up to her eyes. She had never seen her eyes so dull before and she certainly lacked the motivation to give herself a pep talk this morning. Most mornings, the wall that she had built to protect herself from Elliot stood firmly in place and she was able to find the confidence to do her job without being affected by him. Last night though, well, last night just plain confused her and the fact that he didn't want to talk to her about it made things worse. She desperately wanted to wrap her arms around her best friend, the only man who knew her and understood her, and tell him that she would fix it. She wanted to console him not unlike a mother would a child and tell him that it would all be okay, but she wasn't sure that it would be. Elliot seemed so broken, so lost, and by the time he arrived at her apartment, all of the fight that he had shown at Giorgio's was gone. He was empty and therefore, so was she.

A noise rattled Olivia from her reverie. She quickly shut off the water and slipped into her navy blue knee length satin robe. As she opened her bathroom door, she could hear yelling from the living room. One voice clearly belonged to her partner, the other clearly belonged to a woman but she didn't recognize it immediately. Olivia opened her bedroom door just as a crystal vase flew into the wall beside her, narrowly missing her head.

"What the hell?!" Olivia yelled. Kathy spun around from her position in front of the couch and glared at Olivia.

"I thought you said she wasn't here!?" Kathy screamed and shoved both of her hands into Elliot's chest. He stumbled backwards slightly, his face showing no signs of engagement in this argument.

"Kathy," He pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "she lives here. Of course she's here."

"What the fuck, Elliot?!" Kathy screamed. "I knew it. I knew you two were sleeping together! You promised me you weren't having an affair! You fucking promised but apparently I was right not to believe you. How long as this been going on?! How long have you been sleeping with your partner?" Her head snapped back to Olivia, blond curls slapping her face as she did so. "I trusted you, Olivia! I trusted you to watch his back, not destroy his family!"

"Kathy, I have no idea what you're talking about and you seem to have done a pretty good job of destroying things yourself." Olivia stated, calmly while tightening the knot of her robe. She folded her arms across her chest, popped her hip slightly and glared at the woman, trying to at least physically assert her dominance. This was her home after all.

"What do you want, Kathy? Why are you here?" Elliot asked with an eerie calmness in his voice that only Olivia would recognize as his last emotion before rage. Unconsciously, Olivia moved towards Elliot's side, ready to jump in if he reached his breaking point. She understood him only in the way that a partner who spent 12 years watching your every move could: fully and completely.

"I thought you said you wanted to talk, so here I am. Let's talk." Kathy stated her eyes intense and fiery and still focused on Olivia.

"Not here. Not right now." Elliot replied. "Last night, yes, I did want to talk but right now is not a good time." Olivia knew he needed time to calm down before a civil conversation with his wife was possible so she moved towards the door in an attempt to usher Kathy out.

Kathy, knowing she was not going to get anywhere with a two against one scenario, picked up her purse, pulled her coat tighter across her chest and barreled towards the door. Olivia opened it for her and gently shut it behind fuming Kathy who didn't bother to turn around to close it herself.

Olivia paused to take a breath before turning around to look at Elliot. Elliot had sat down on the couch and was staring straight ahead at a blank spot on the wall, completely emotionless. She padded across her wood floor and sat on the opposite side of the couch with one leg tucked up underneath her. She focused on the spot on his neck where she could see his pulse throbbing underneath his skin until he turned his head and found her eyes with his.

" I'm sorry." The utter sincerity in his eyes sent a bolt straight to her heart and it broke a little for him in that moment. "She had no right to barge in here like that. But, all the same, I should probably explain some things to you, Liv. All I ask is that you wait until I'm done explaining to kick me out.


	4. Chapter 4

" _I'm sorry." The utter sincerity in his eyes sent a bolt straight to her heart and it broke a little for him in that moment. "She had no right to barge in here like that. But, all the same, I should probably explain some things to you, Liv. All I ask is that you wait until I'm done explaining to kick me out._

She wanted to ask him why she would possibly be driven to kick him out but she bit her lower lip and quieted her spinning thoughts. "Sure. Just let me go change, okay?"

"Yeah, sure." Elliot said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands and sighing deeply.

Olivia stood from the couch and walked towards her bedroom, the satin of her robe brushing against the middle of her thighs and causing Elliot's stomach to clench. As she walked away he let his mind wander dangerously close to all the images and thoughts he had denied himself over the years. Now, here he was, in her apartment while she wore nothing but a robe as his marriage was crumbling around him. He should be upset, distressed, panicking even that his family, his foundation is falling apart but in the stillness of the morning in Olivia's living room, he can't help but feel that another puzzle piece is about to fall into place. He just hopes she feels the same.

When Olivia returned, it was 15 minutes later and the sun was now glaring through her East facing windows. "Sorry," she ducked her head slightly and smiled. "decided to take a quick shower." Elliot couldn't quite take his eyes off his partner of twelve years. She looked so beautiful and relaxed in her gray leggings and over-sized NYPD sweatshirt that had been cut at the neckline so it hung seductively off one of her shoulders, revealing the shoulder strap of the black tank top she wore underneath. Her hair was damp and starting her natural waves gave her a rustic, wild look and Elliot fell a little harder.

"Do you want some tea?" Liv asked, moving towards the stove to set the kettle on.

"Tea? Really, Liv? You still drink that stuff?" Elliot smirked. "I'll start some coffee."

The two detectives moved easily through a seemingly synchronized dance through Olivia's kitchen as they each made their morning drinks. An outsider would have thought they had perfected their movements over years the way he handed her the honey with his left hand as she held out the coffee filters with her right.

Olivia was trying very hard to keep her mind off the impending conversation. She had a feeling that whatever Elliot was going to share with her about the state of his marriage was going to shift the dynamic that they had so carefully repaired after her return from Oregon. She hated to think that she may lose him again to his brooding emotional, nature but she wouldn't blame him if she did. Elliot's family had always been his cornerstone. His kids kept him sane when things at the station got too crazy and Kathy had always been there to listen about the difficult cases…right?

"Okay," Olivia half said and half sighed as she sat down with one leg tucked under her on her plush white couch. "so, do you want to start at the beginning?"

"Honestly, not really," Elliot chuckled. "Can't I just sit here and somehow you just read my mind like usual and understand everything I need to tell you?"

"Ah, well that technique may work in the interrogation room, but I'm afraid when it comes to marriage, I'm a little lost."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. You'd be better at it than you realize." Olivia gave him a sideways glance at this but Elliot ignored her and continued. "So, where would you like for me to start? There's a lot of ground to cover here."

"I just want you to tell me whatever you feel like you need to tell me."

"Okay, well, do you remember when Kathy and I were seriously considering divorcing?"

"Sure. Couple months before she got pregnant with Eli." Olivia answered.

"Yes. Well, the day she told me I was pregnant was the day I was going to tell her I wanted to finalize the divorce. We had been in this holding pattern for so long, denying the fact that it really was over between us while at the same time, using each other when we needed someone." Elliot dipped his head down at this and paused, running his hand through his hair to gather himself.

"When she told me she was pregnant" he continued after a few seconds "I wanted to throw up. I know, that's terrible. I mean, I love Eli, I really really do but I did not want to be a father again. Not with her. It made me sick just thinking about raising another kid with her and having to deal with her moods and the fights for that many more years. That's when I realized that I just needed to end it permanently. That we were truly playing games with each other but she didn't want that. She begged me to stay with her. I can't blame her, she was scared being pregnant at her age and she didn't want to raise Eli alone. I get that, I do but I felt like my life and all the things I wanted for me were slipping away." Elliot's voice caught in his throat momentarily and though he tried to cover it with a cough, Olivia knew that he was struggling.

Liv moved her had from her lap and rested it on his shoulder briefly before rubbing his back a couple times and returning it to her lap. This brief contact strengthened him and gave him the confidence to continue.

"I kept my apartment in the city. I don't know why, but after I moved back home, I just couldn't find it in me to get rid of it. It was my sanctuary. I would go there after a tough case and just be without chaos and fights and all the things that come with being married to Kathy. I know, that sounds awful and I know that I should have been a better husband and father but I was miserable." Elliot took a breath and continued.

"She found out about the apartment a couple months into her pregnancy. She was angry, really angry. But for the first time in our marriage, I didn't back down. I told her that I couldn't do it anymore and we decided to separate again. I've been living in the apartment for the past few months an d even now that Eli is born, I still haven't come home. Liv, I know this makes me sound like a terrible person and I know you're going to be mad that I didn't tell you sooner but you have to understand that the last thing I want is for you to see me like this. I'm your partner. I'm supposed to be strong enough to protect you but I haven't even been able to be man enough to care for my family."

Elliot dipped his head again and shook slightly. Olivia took his prolonged silence as an opportunity to inject.

"Elliot, why did Kathy accuse you of having an affair with me if you were already separated?" That question was burning in Olivia's mind. She couldn't understand what right Kathy had to be so upset with Elliot this morning. After all, in Olivia's mind, she had been the adulterer.

"That was one of our conditions to the separation and me keeping the apartment. We decided that we would finalize the divorce once everything was a little calmer and Eli was older. Until then, we decided that we would wait to see anyone else before the divorce was finalized and that I would not spend time with you outside of work."

"Why?! I don't understand." Olivia's eyes were wide and full of anger and confusion. She had always fought for Elliot and Kathy's relationship, always supported it.

"Kathy's always been afraid of our relationship, Liv. It's not you, it's her. She will always jump to the extreme when it comes to you and I."

Olivia, suspicious that there was more to that statement than Elliot was sharing at the moment, decided not to push the issue right then. She sat up a little straighter, pulled her hair into a ponytail and reached for her tea. She had just taken a sip when a knock at the door startled them both.


	5. Chapter 5

_Olivia, suspicious that there was more to that statement than Elliot was sharing at the moment, decided not to push the issue right then. She sat up a little straighter, pulled her hair into a ponytail and reached for her tea. She had just taken a sip when a knock at the door startled them both. _

Olivia stood up from the couch, shot Elliot a concerned look and moved towards the door. Looking through the peephole, she let out a relieved sigh and quickly opened the door revealing an exhausted looking Maureen, Lizzie, Dickie, and a sleeping Eli. Olivia ushered them in as Elliot rose from the couch in surprise.

"What are you guys doing here?" Elliot asked, concerned.

"Yeah, like we were going to stick around while mom goes nuts at the home packing what little stuff you still have at home and muttering nasty things about Liv under her breath." Maureen replied sarcastically, depositing Eli, still asleep onto the now vacant couch. She shrugged off her coat and began helping the twins out of their snow boots while Elliot and Olivia exchanged glances.

"I'm sorry you guys are in the middle of all this. Things are kind of a mess right now, Mo." Elliot sighed, walking towards Maureen and pulling her into a hug.

"I noticed. Wanna fill me in?" Maureen asked, hands on her hips as she gave her father a look that Olivia had seen many times in the interrogation room: the famous Stabler "don't bullshit me right now" glare.

"Why don't you two go chat in the bedroom and I'll entertain the twins out here." Liv offered while she rifled through one of the drawers in the kitchen. When Elliot didn't respond right away, she peeked up at him through her lashes and gave him a reassuring smile. His heart fluttered despite his downtrodden mood and he smiled back.

Olivia's eyes stayed with his, unable or unwilling to break their connection until Maureen cleared her throat breaking their silent, reassuring communication. Olivia at last pulled some crayons and a coloring book that she kept for the twins out of the drawer and handed them to an eager Lizzie. They rarely stopped by anymore but she kept them just in case. She turned around as she closed the drawer with her hip and caught Elliot's eyes still on her. She blushed reflexively and busied herself with getting Lizzie and Dickie set up at the kitchen table.

As Elliot and Maureen disappeared into bedroom, Olivia let out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. _It's just Elliot _She scolded herself. _He's going through a tough time and he needs a friend, not some hormonal, sex deprived... _"LIVIA! Color with us!" Lizzie shouted, breaking the detective's concentration and snapping her back to reality. Liv shook her head and sat down. She picked up a purple crayon and started to color a picture of Dora the Explorer.

A few moments later, a very groggy Eli, holding a worn blue blanket tottered over to Olivia and held his arms up asking to sit in her lap. He laid his tired head on her chest and watched as she continued to color with the twins.

"'Livia?" Dickie piped up after a few moments.

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Why is mommy so mad?"

"I don't know, honey. Sometimes grown ups do silly things and get mad at each other."

"Oh." Dickie responded, his eyes sad and shoulders heavy.

"You know she's not made at you, right Dickie?"

"Yeah, I know. I wish she was mad at me instead of at daddy though. She always gets better when she gets mad at me. When she gets mad at daddy, she stays mad for a long time." Dickie said while coloring his jungle scene bright green.

Olivia sighed and traded her purple crayon for a blue one. She looked at Dickie with compassion and reached across the table to rest her hand on his little arm. "She'll get better soon, Dickie. I promise."

"'Livia?"

"Yeah, Lizzie?"

"I wish you were our mom."

"Why's that honey?" Asked a stunned Olivia.

"Because daddy loves you. He doesn't love mommy anymore. If you were our mommy, he wouldn't fight with you."

Olivia didn't know what to say so she said nothing. She simply smiled at the young girl whose innocent words filled Olivia with such a mix of sadness and love at the same time. Lizzie had just expressed the one thing Olivia had forbid herself from thinking about: a life with Elliot. She knew the little girl was simply expressing her comfort with Olivia but it affected her all the same. At work, she was perfectly capable of putting up her steely professional walls but today, with his youngest child snuggled in her lap and his twins so comfortably sharing and being with her, maintaining those barriers was a little more difficult. They were each others "perfects." She knew that. She knew that Elliot's family was his foundation and that his marriage was not only supremely important to him, it was sacramental and that under no circumstance would he jeopardize any of those things. But things had gone wrong anyway. He was unhappy anyway and all his commitment meant nothing because Elliot and Kathy, at least in Olivia's eyes, were never meant to last. Elliot wanted out, Kathy cheated, and Olivia was stuck in a weird limbo cuddling and coloring with their children until the storm blew through.

Eli picked that moment to snuggle closer, bury his head in Olivia's neck and fall back asleep. A gentle peace washed over Olivia as she continued to color and chat with the twins and before she knew it, an hour had passed and the kids were starting to get hungry. She gathered Eli up in her arms and walked over to the bedroom. Knocking first, she called to Maureen and Elliot to ask if they wanted any lunch. A puffy-eyed Maureen answered the door and immediately wrapped her arms around Olivia and Eli. Olivia cradled her against her chest and looked over her head at her partner.

Elliot was seated on the edge of her bed, eyes just as red and swollen as Maureen's and looking at Olivia with an emotion that she rarely saw from him. Actually, the last time she had seen this level of emotional depth and compassion radiating from him was at her mom's funeral. She wanted to run to him, hold him and just let him cry but of course, she stopped herself and threw her emotions into check like she was so used to doing.

Maureen pulled back after a few moments and looked into Olivia's eyes.

"Thank you, Olivia."

Olivia knitted her eyebrows in slight confusion. "For what, babe?"

"Taking care of my dad, taking care of us."

"Mo, I have no idea what you're talking about but if it makes you feel better, your welcome." Olivia said with a chuckle in an attempt to laugh off the seriousness of the situation but Maureen's face didn't change.

"I'm serious, Liv. Dad just told me everything and I never realized how much we all need you. Thank you."

With that, Maureen scooped Eli out of Olivia's arms and went to check on the twins.

Olivia, heart pounding with emotion, folded her arms across her stomach and walked towards Elliot. She sat down next to him leaving some space in between them and stared at the floor.

"How are you?" She said after a few seconds of heavy silence.

"Honestly, not great but I'll be okay."

Olivia turned her head and glanced at him through her long brown hair. She smiled slightly and placed her hand gently on his hand that rested on his knee. She squeezed reassuringly and went to move her hand away but he caught it and kept it there.

"Liv." He started, heart pounding so loud he was sure she could hear it in his voice.

She brushed the hair out of her eyes and tucked it behind her ear. "Hmm?"

"What Maureen said, it's true. You have taken care of me whether you realized it or not. I can't thank you enough for being there for all of us."

"El, I haven't done anything." Liv said, slightly shaking her head. "You've barely talked to me about your problems with Kathy over the years. How could I have done anything?"

"You were there and I knew I could go to you. That makes a huge difference and means a lot to me. You've kept me sane. Thank you."

"You're welcome." She whispered, glancing at their entwined hands.

Sensing that she was getting ready to recoil and pull away as Olivia did when things got too heavy, Elliot suddenly stood up and released her hand.

"Should we get these kids some lunch?" He said with his trademark Stabler grin, though not as wide and bright as usual.

"Yeah, I guess we should." Olivia said, smiling in return, the weight and worry on her heart lifting at least for the moment.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N – Just in case you hadn't noticed, I took some liberties with the Stabler kids ages. Maureen and Kathleen are high school age (senior and sophomore respectively) and the twins are significantly younger at 6 years old. I like younger kids ability to state the obvious to completely oblivious adults. **

**Also, thank you for the follows, favorites, and reviews. This may sound silly, but all of your stories have gotten me through some tough times so I figured it was time to give back. Forgive my rookie mistakes, please. **

**I apologize for the delay in posting this chapter. It's been a crazy week. **

**Much love.**

_"Should we get these kids some lunch?" He said with his trademark Stabler grin, though not as wide and bright as usual. _

_"Yeah, I guess we should." Olivia said, smiling in return, the weight and worry on her heart lifting at least for the moment. _

"No, Kathleen, just come over to Liv's place, please?" Maureen was pacing in front of the kitchen counter on her cell phone as Olivia and Elliot emerged from the bedroom.

"Okay, I'll see you in a bit….K….Bye." Maureen hung up and turned towards her father.

"Kathleen's coming over. I hope that's okay. She got home from sleeping over at Jen's house after I left this morning and apparently mom was still on her anti-you rampage. She has no idea what's going on and I wasn't going to tell her over the phone."

"Of course, Mo." Elliot pulled his eldest child close and kissed the side of her head.

Ten minutes later Elliot and Olivia were busy getting the twins and Eli in their winter coats to leave for lunch when Kathleen knocked on the door. Maureen ran to open it and a tearful, tired Kathleen appeared on the other side.

Elliot went to her immediately and swept her up in his large arms for a bear-like embrace. She buried her head in his should and breathed heavily. "It's finally happening this time, isn't it?"

"What, Katie-bug?" Elliot tilted his head to look at his daughter, his eyes shining with worry and guilt.

"You. You're finally leaving for good, aren't you? I knew it would happen but I guess a little warning would have been nice." Katie sniffed and pulled away from his arms to grab a Kleenex from the coffee table.

"I am so sorry, Katie." Elliot began.

"No, Dad. This isn't your fault. Don't you dare apologize!" Maureen was almost yelling as she tearfully moved to pull Kathleen into a tight hug. The twins looked up from their place on the couch with Olivia and Eli.

"What isn't daddy's fault?" Lizzy asked. She and Dickie had been too engrossed in playing with Olivia to notice that their sisters were upset until now.

Elliot looked at Olivia with panic in his eyes. He had no idea what to say to them. Teenagers he could handle. He had always believed in telling his kids the truth, no matter how difficult that may be but 9 year olds? How in the world was he supposed to tell them that their parents were getting divorced? All his years on the force couldn't have prepared him for something this difficult. Olivia, reading Elliot perfectly, cleared her throat nervously and spoke.

"You know what?" She asked the twins brightly, brushing a strand of hair behind Lizzy's ear. "Daddy is going to explain everything to you with your mommy in a little while." She glanced up at Elliot and held his gaze as she spoke her next words. "Everything is going to be okay, I promise. And if it's not okay," she glanced back down at the twins "I'll help make it better." Elliot's eyes crinkled at the corners as he lifted his lips in a closed mouth grin.

He nodded slowly and turned to face his eldest girls. Pulling them both into another hug, he kissed them each on the forehead and whispered "The three of us will talk about all of this after lunch, okay? I'll tell you everything you want to know, I promise." Katie and Maureen nodded and returned his hug. Olivia looked on from the couch and smiled. Her heart was so full of emotion for Elliot and his children, whom she loved so deeply. She made a silent vow to stay with them and support them as much as she could for as long as they would let her. They needed stability right now and she was more than happy to provide all the love they needed.

An hour later, Olivia and Elliot were sitting with his kids at the nearby deli when Olivia's phone rang. Recognizing the number as her OBGYN, she blanched and excused herself from the table and quickly walked outside of the restaurant. She didn't notice Elliot's curious gaze follow her. After confirming her appointment for next week with the receptionist, Olivia hung up the phone and took a deep breath. She still hadn't told Elliot about her plans and now she wasn't sure if she should bother him with it when he had so much else on his plate. And, if she was honest with herself, she really didn't want to have that conversation with him period. This was a huge step for her. She had always wanted a family, knew she was meant to be a mother but this was never the way she had imagined it. In her perfect, imaginary world, as soon as she told Elliot what she was planning, he would scoop her up in his arms, tell her he loved her, and that he wanted a family with her. Looking in the deli window at Elliot with all of his kids, she knew that wasn't in the cards for her. He had gotten her version of the perfect life once upon a time and with the way things were crumbling, there was no way she could imagine him ever wanting to do that again.

She returned to the table, anxiety ridden but with her walls firmly in place and she knew that Elliot could tell. He gazed at her with such compassion that she wanted to cry from sheer want and frustration but she smiled instead and turned her attention back to his kids. She had learned a long time ago that she could always just smile instead.

Maureen took the twins and Eli back to the house in Queens after lunch while Kathleen, Elliot and Olivia walked the few blocks back to Olivia's apartment so that Elliot could fill Kathleen on what had transpired with her mom. Deciding that her presence would probably be a little awkward for both of them, Olivia decided that she would walk around the block a couple times and clear her head. Elliot looked at her concerned when she let them know of her plan but she smiled reassuringly and took off towards the park.

She returned two hours later, tired but invigorated from the chilly winter air to find her apartment empty and a note from Elliot on the counter letting her know that he had taken Kathleen back home.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Thanks for sticking with this. I know the updates have been sporadic at best.**

**Much love. **

_She returned two hours later, tired but invigorated from the chilly winter air to find her apartment empty and a note from Elliot on the counter letting her know that he had taken Kathleen back home. _

Saturday night rolled into Sunday morning and Elliot hadn't returned. Olivia had called him once and left a message just to check in but he didn't contact her until late that night. The shrill ring of her cell phone startled her out of her half-hearted attempt to sleep and she quickly reached for her cell phone on the night stand. Checking the caller ID to make sure it wasn't the station, she answered with a quiet "Hey, El."

"Hey. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"Really? You still ask that after all these years of me answering 'no.' You know I don't sleep that well when we've got a case anyway."

"You haven't heard anything from Cragen on that, have you? I know he sent us home for the weekend but I was really hoping something would turn up from the canvas of the last vic's apartment complex."

"Haven't heard. So, where are you?" Olivia asked, wanting to divert the subject from the gruesome case they were still caught in the middle of on top of everything else. She had just been going back and forth between spinning the details of the case around in her mind and worrying about Elliot and his kids as she lay under her cool silk sheets staring at the dark ceiling. She'd rather not think about the case anymore now that Elliot was actually returning her call.

"Driving. Just left Queens."

"How's Kathleen?"

"She's okay. Took things much better than Maureen. She's always resented her mom a little bit I think. Ever since her bipolar diagnosis, Kathy has handled Kathleen with kid gloves and it really wears on Kathleen's patience. I talked to Kathy a little bit too. Told her that we need to talk to the twins soon and that I wanted to be there when she told them so things didn't get twisted as I'm sure she would like them to."

"That's good. Stand your ground, El." Olivia said, stifling an unintentional yawn.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm probably keeping you up. I'll hang up and let you try to sleep."

"No, El. I'm fine. I wasn't sleepy until I heard your voice actually. You just relax me, that's all." The words were out of her mouth before she realized what she had revealed and he heard her gasp a little at the realization of what she had just said. It was definitely not like her to tell him something so intimate.

"Ah, I see." Elliot replied, his lips curled into a smile.

Changing the subject quickly Olivia asked "So, I assume you're staying in your apartment tonight?"

"Actually, um, I was hoping to crash on your couch again, if that's okay. Your place is much closer than mine and I'm falling asleep behind the wheel."

"Oh, of course." Olivia said with probably too much enthusiasm since Elliot was now audibly chuckling on the other end of the phone. She slapped her palm against her forehead and pinched her eyes closed, trying to regain her composure. "I'll set some linens out for you. Just use your key."

"Thanks, Liv. If you're asleep by the time I get there, sweet dreams."

"You too, El." Olivia half whispered, blushing in the darkness at the sweetness in his voice. Her heart fluttered in the most cliché sense and she about smacked herself as she hung up the phone. She did not do this. She was not some crazy teenager whose boyfriend was spending the night. This was Elliot. He was over all the time, this was nothing new to her. But somehow, knowing that his marriage was done opened a hole in the anti-Elliot wall she had so carefully constructed around her heart and she had yet to figure out how to patch it. Knowing that he would be sleeping on her couch in probably nothing but his boxers and undershirt did absolutely nothing to help. She closed her eyes to the darkness and immediately images of him changing in the locker room, biceps stretching his t-shirt, abs rippling under the thin material as he switched button ups stormed into her consciousness. She soon found herself imagining the feel of his hard skin under her soft hands, running her fingers over his tight pecs, skimming his biceps with her fingertips as she moved to thread her hands behind his neck. She pictured herself capturing his lips with hers and pulling him closer to deepen the kiss. Just once she wanted to experience what it was like to be loved by Elliot Stabler; to feel his full weight pressed on top of her. She craved to feel his lips pressed against her skin, to feel him drag his tongue down the column of her neck and over her collarbone, to feel what it was like to give herself completely to the only man she had ever truly loved, to feel him fill her completely.

But no. She wouldn't let herself dwell with those thoughts. The intimate gestures and looks of the last two days were merely a result of his tumultuous situation. She imagined the prolonged glances, she was sure of it. The heat she felt each time he locked eyes with her was surely only experienced by her. And the hand holding? Merely a result of the divorce. He needed to feel someone was there for him, he needed a foundation. That was it. She knew he didn't feel anything but friendship towards her and she was just going to have to accept that….again.

She heard her lock move and shortly after her door opened and closed and the lock clicked back into place. Elliot's heavy and usually determined footsteps were soft and unsure sounding to Olivia's heightened hearing the darkness afforded her. She listened to Elliot search the linen closet. She had gotten so caught up in her fantasy that she had forgotten to set out sheets for him but he knew exactly where they were. She heard him sigh as he pulled off his belt and slipped out of his shoes. She heard the soft clink of the buttons of his shirt as they hit her glass coffee table as he set his folded clothes down. She was right, he was in his boxers and t-shirt. Her mind spun again and soon she was lost in the fantasies she only allowed herself once in a blue moon and never when he was here. She knew him so well, had memorized his every movement, mannerism, scent, and muscle that she sometimes swore she could feel him with her These dreams of hers that she allowed herself only when she was on the edge of sleep brought her comfort but they were too embarrassing for her to think about in the harsh, judgmental light of day. The ones where he is beside her running his hands through her hair, skimming his thumb across her cheek bone. Reverently brushing her hair out of her face and placing small intimate kisses from her temple, down her cheek to her jaw and finally to her lips. These fantasies always involved him looking into her eyes, telling her he loves her with all his being, that he can't live without her and he was a fool to not realize this sooner before he finally climbs into bed, wraps his strong, protective and holds her close.

She drifted to sleep with the scent of his cologne on the edge of her mind and the hard planes of his chest against her back, not realizing that this time it was more than a fantasy. Not realizing that he had slipped in between her sheets and was holding her with his face tucked into the nape of her neck smelling her lilac hair as she drifted into the best sleep she would have in years. No, Olivia just settled into what she thought was his imaginary presence and let her love for him carry her to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

_She drifted to sleep with the scent of his cologne on the edge of her mind and the hard planes of his chest against her back, not realizing that this time it was more than a fantasy. Not realizing that he had slipped in between her sheets and was holding her with his face tucked into the nape of her neck smelling her lilac hair as she drifted into the best sleep she would have in years. No, Olivia just settled into what she thought was his imaginary presence and let her love for him carry her to sleep. _

Light filtered into Olivia's Manhattan apartment early the next morning. Usually, she was up and on her way to the precinct long before the sun came up but for the first time in years, she awoke with the sun on her face. Olivia blinked a couple times, shaking the dust of sleep from her eyes and rolled from her side to her back. Feeling stiff, she surmised that she hadn't moved much all night. As she lay staring at the ceiling, she brought her hand to her forehead and sighed deeply. Inhaling, her heart began to beat wildly. Elliot's cologne was everywhere; on her sheets, on her pillow case, in her hair, on her skin. There was no mistaking it. She had spent the last several years trying to identify it and knew the scent very well. Goosebumps spread over her bare arms and legs and a warm feeling settled in her lower belly like a swarm of butterflies on a summer day. Her mind was racing. _Why was he in my bed? How could I not have noticed? How long did he stay?_ And the question that seemed to be on repeat _What the hell is going on?! _She closed her eyes again and inhaled deeply and in a moment of pure want and need, rolled over and pulled the pillow next to her to her chest. She rarely allowed herself the opportunity to feel her deep desire for him. God, she loved him so much.

He was all around her and her head was spinning. She could see his rustic blue eyes staring into hers with such intensity that it made her heart leap. She lay like this for several minutes until she heard noises that sounded like the clanging of pans she hadn't used in years coming from the kitchen. Suddenly, she had a visceral need to be near him.

Olivia swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood shakily. Her legs felt like they had been replaced by sand bags, her heart pounded high in her throat and her stomach was in knots but she made her way to the door anyway. She pulled her arms in and crossed them just below her breasts in an unconsciously protective manner as she walked out into the sun drenched living room. Her black sweatpants hugged her ass and leg muscles perfectly and without a bra, her tank top didn't leave much to the imagination and she couldn't have cared less right now.

Elliot glanced up from his cooking when she walked in and brightly greeted her. "Good morning, sunshine! Omelet?"

Olivia couldn't help but laugh at him. He was standing in a pair of perfectly snug blue jeans and white undershirt happily making omelets with eggs he clearly made a special trip to the store for because she sure as hell didn't have any in the house. "Sure." She tilted her head and smiled shyly as she moved to sit on a barstool in front of her kitchen counter.

Olivia gave him a once over. He looked calm, relaxed even and God, he looked good. His chest muscles, which she wasn't sure she remembered being quite that oh-my-god looking, were clearly outlined against the thin fabric and his biceps caused the short sleeves to strain each time he moved.

"Sleep well?" Elliot asked in a feigned attempt at casual conversation. His eyes kept dipping to her breasts though he tried very hard to prevent her from noticing. She felt warm under his gaze and could feel her nipples hardening against the fabric of her tank top. The air in the apartment was becoming thinner with palpable electricity flowing between the two detectives.

"Yeah, oddly enough. I haven't slept that well in years." She grazed her bottom lip in between her teeth and moved her arms away from her chest and relaxed them in front of her on the counter. Elliot continued to cook and said nothing about his midnight excursion into her bed. Olivia decided to play coy as well just to see where this would take them. She wanted, no needed him to take the lead. These were his decisions to make, his moves to play. She was his and Olivia was slowly praying that he felt the same way. She was terrified that his foray into her bedroom last night was nothing more than his desperate need for human contact after everything that had happened with Kathy.

Elliot set Olivia's omelet down in front of her along a cup of tea and then slid onto the bar stool next to her with his own plate and cup of coffee.

"Thanks for making breakfast, El." Olivia spoke quietly, afraid to interrupt the energy in the room.

"No problem. It's the least I can do since you let me crash here again. I was thinking about sneaking into the precinct today to see where we're at on the duct tape rapist case. Wanna join me?" He had an impish grin on his face and wiggled his eye brows at her.

"Hmm, and risk the wrath of Cragen? Absolutely." Olivia had a mischievous glint in her eye and happily pushed back from the counter and slid off the stool.

Taking her plate over to the sink, she noticed that she had left the folder from her OBGYN on the counter. Praying that Elliot hadn't noticed it already, she slipped the folder on top of the refrigerator while casually offering to drive them to the precinct.

As Elliot cleaned the kitchen, Olivia slipped into her bathroom for a quick shower. As soon as the door shut behind her, he dropped the plates he was holding into the sink and leaned against the counter. Elliot felt like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing sleeping in his partner's bed and staying to make her breakfast on a Sunday morning. He felt so dishonest when he evaluated the past few hours against his strong Catholic morals but he just couldn't bring himself to leave. There was no question that his marriage was done. If he was lucky, the next time he would see Kathy would be at the custody hearing and then minimally thereafter. If he was _really_ lucky, Olivia would let him hang around more often.

The slow dissolution of his marriage had taken a tremendous toll on Elliot. He had pushed his heart aside a painful amount of times to shelter his kids from his mom's insecurities or a destructive divorce that obviously was inevitable anyway. He felt robbed of precious time with Olivia. He felt like he had wasted so much time but had he really? Would Olivia even remotely consider him as more than her partner and friend? He really had no idea. He felt the chemistry, the electricity, the change in the air when she walked in to a room or looked into his eyes and God help him if she accidentally brushed up against him. Anymore, the moment her skin touched his, his stomach turned flip flops and his breath caught in his throat.

Elliot sighed heavily and ran his hands down his face. He turned back to the sink and finished washing their breakfast plates as he listened to the sounds of the running shower. He tried to keep his mind off of Olivia's smooth, tanned skin underneath the hot water; tried to not picture beads of moisture sliding down her stomach or her fingers grazing the soap bubbles that had formed on her breasts; and he especially tried to keep his mind off of her unbelievable legs but good lord, he was struggling.

Elliot finished cleaning the kitchen, sat down on the couch and clicked on the television. Reaching into the gym bag on the floor, he pulled out a long sleeve t-shirt and slipped it on over his undershirt. The blue of the fabric drew attention to his eyes immediately and when Olivia walked out of her bedroom, they were the first thing she noticed.

Wearing tight fitting jeans and a beige sweater that complemented her skin amazingly, Olivia sauntered over to the couch while pulling her hair up in to a loose pony tail as she walked. Staring into his eyes, she smiled a shy smile grabbed her coat and tilted her head towards the doorway. "Let's get outta here."

Elliot jumped up from the couch and grasped Olivia's coat from her hands. He held it out for her to shrug into and as she did, he let his fingers travel down the nape of her neck. Olivia's skin immediately prickled with goose bumps and her breath caught in her throat. He moved his fingers torturously slowly down the collar of her pea coat, his knuckles brushing the sensitive skin of the side of her neck as he went. She stood frozen for a brief moment as Elliot moved his hands away and ever so slowly smoothed the jacket sleeves over her arms. Then, he reached passed her, close enough for her to feel the heat of his breath against her cheek and opened the door for her. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and walked through the door into the hallway. As he closed and locked it, she brought her hand up to her neck. The path that his knuckles had made was still hot against her skin and she traced it with the pads of her fingers. He turned to her and smiled his trademark Stabler grin and placed his hand on the small of her back as they walked towards the stairs that led out of her building.

She drove them to the precinct, happy for something to take her mind off the heat that had spread from her neck to her lower belly. Elliot seemed just as affected because he did nothing but stare out of the passenger window at the city he had seen a thousand times before. As Olivia pulled into her usual parking spot, Elliot's cell phone rang.

Elliot quickly pulled his phone out of the pocket of his jeans and slid out of the car.

"Hey Munch, what's up?" Elliot answered, quickly.

"Get Olivia and get to the precinct right now. Our duct tape rapist has made another move. We think we've got him."

"We're here. Be up in 2 minutes." Elliot, all business now, locked eyes with Olivia. "C'mon. We've got a break in the case."

With that, Olivia and Elliot hurried in sync into the 1-6.


	9. Chapter 9

"_We're here. Be up in 2 minutes." Elliot, all business now, locked eyes with Olivia. "C'mon. We've got a break in the case."_

_With that, Olivia and Elliot hurried in sync into the 1-6_

Elliot's hand instinctively moved to the small of Olivia's back as he held the elevator door open for her. Goosebumps broke out on her skin. She moved closer to him as the elevator doors closed and waited, unconsciously testing him. The air was already thick with unsaid words when Elliot slowly moved his arm so that his hand rested on Olivia's hip. She inhaled sharply as his fingers brushed a sliver of exposed skin between her sweater and jeans and turned to face him. Their eyes locked and the air in the elevator became almost non-existent. Both detectives were frozen as their lips, seemingly magnetically drawn to one another, moved closer on their own accord.

Suddenly, the elevator door opened and in rushed the chaos and noise of the 1 6 along with a breath of cool air. Olivia was the first to jump and step back, unsure of her actions. She backed up, looked down, and shook her auburn locks slightly, sighing to herself. Coming to his senses much slower, Elliot stood stock still and watched Olivia walk away. He rubbed his hands down his face and quickly walked off the elevator.

By the time Elliot caught up with Olivia she was standing in a circle of detectives listening to Cragen explain the recent details of the duct tape rapist case.

"Bartender in Queens recognized him from the paper. Said he started coming in about a week ago and sits in a booth in the corner every night. Sent a couple unis in last night to confirm. It's him." A few heads nodded and a few people made affirmative noises under their breath. Olivia just stared straight ahead, not looking at anything or anyone in particular and totally lost in thought.

"Here's the thing." Cragen continued. "All we're going on are sketches and an MO. We have no DNA. We don't even have a name. All we know is he picks up these women in bars, says he's going to walk them home, forces his way inside their apartment, and rapes them. We need something solid. We need to catch him as close to the act as we can get him."

Olivia continued to stare straight ahead.

"Elliot and Olivia, you will be undercover tonight as bar patrons. He only seems to attack blondes so officer Hudson will be the target." A petite, young looking uniformed officer stepped forward and nodded to the team.

"We'll have a team stationed in the alley behind the bar, waiting to follow Hudson to the safe house if he decides to walk her home." Cragen continued. "Your job" he nodded towards Olivia and Elliot "is to watch her back from the inside while not tipping this guy off that you're cops. Once she's out of the bar, the guys on the outside will take over. Think you can handle that?"

"Yeah. Sure, Cap." Elliot affirmed with a nod of his head.

"Olivia, what about you? Olivia?"

"Hmm?" Olivia shook herself out of her daze. "Yeah, of course. Whatever needs to be done."

Cragen eyed her suspiciously but continued. "Okay, we'll be at the bar and in place by 8. The rapes have typically occurred around 11 so he's bound to be there by 9 p.m. Let's get this guy, people!"

Everyone shuffled back to their desks, including Elliot. Olivia made a beeline for the bathroom.

Shutting the door behind her, Olivia leaned against the sink. They had almost kissed. He had moved just as much as she had. Her chest was tightening with a swirling of unidentifiable emotions. She needed to collect herself right now and concentrate on the case but that was proving difficult when all she could see was his lips coming towards her. She slid down the wall next to the sinks and took a few deep breaths. Her chest was constricting, her line of sight was becoming narrow, and her head was spinning.

"Liv?" Elliot called from the other side of the door. "Liv, you okay?"

She did not need him coming in here, seeing her conflicted and anxious. Too bad Elliot was stubborn and she couldn't find her voice.

"Liv?" Elliot called again, this time edging the door open slightly.

"I'm fine, El." Olivia called, slightly hoarse.

"Liv, you're sitting on the floor of the precinct bathroom. " Elliot replied quietly, stepping in fully and locking the door behind him. "You're not fine."

Elliot slid down the wall and sat next to his partner. As she continued to stare at her knees, he took the opportunity to evaluate her appearance while her head was down. Olivia's hands shook slightly, her face had gone pale, and her breathing a little erratic. And still, she was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He couldn't help himself and placed a hand on her forearm, squeezing slightly before rubbing her arm comfortingly.

"Talk to me, Liv. It's just me."

"El," Olivia sighed his name "I'm fine. Just anxiety. I'll be okay in a little bit."

"I know. I've watched you deal with this since you got back from Sealview. I know how gracefully you handle this stuff. You're a champ. I'm more interested in what caused this. What set your head spinning this time? Is it the case?"

He had given her an easy way out and she knew it. She knew exactly what he was doing which meant that he also knew the real reason she on the bathroom floor had nothing to do with the case. Hell, this case was easy compared to loving Elliot especially when he was apparently on the rebound. If she was honest with herself, she would have to admit that. Almost kissing him in the elevator had shown her just how far she had let her guard slip around him and that terrified her. She was putting herself at risk for the ultimate heartbreak and she just couldn't do that to herself. She needed to rebuild that wall right now and him sitting here with her, rubbing her arm was not helping.

"El, please" she was practically begging now "I'll be fine." She carefully removed her arm and stood up shakily.

She left him sitting on the bathroom floor while she grabbed a paper towel, ran it under cold water and pressed it to the back of her neck. He watched her breathe through the thoughts in her head as she collected herself. Elliot knew what she was doing and could almost see the bricks reforming around her heart but he let her compose herself and quietly pushed himself off the floor.

Olivia met his eyes through the mirror once he was on his feet and gave him a half-hearted smile. He could see the sadness behind her eyes though and made a silent promise to talk to her about it once the case was over. He knew that she was upset with what happened in the elevator but he also knew that she would never talk about that at the precinct. He wanted to get her in a better place emotionally too before he told her how he felt about her. He knew he would risk everything but he didn't have much left. _After the divorce is finalized, I'll tell her._ He thought. _Well, maybe after I file the paperwork...I don't think I can wait that long_. He smiled to himself.

And with that thought he walked to the bathroom door and held it open for her. Ignoring the awkward stares from the other detectives who witnessed him emerge from the women's bathroom.

Olivia and Elliot sat down at their desks and simultaneously pulled out the case files. Olivia poured her attention into the details of the case and by the time lunch rolled around, she had memorized a majority of the particulars of the case.

Munch and Fin offered to pick up Chinese food and Olivia nodded non-committally at the idea without looking up from her folder. Elliot gave the two detectives her usual order. Returning to his desk after handing Fin a $20 to cover his and Olivia's bill, Elliot chanced a glance at his partner. She had not so much as looked up from the case file in two or three hours now and Elliot was worried.

"Hey, Liv?" Elliot asked, quietly.

"Hmm?" Liv replied, head down and twisting a piece of hair around her fingers.

"Do you mind coming up to the roof with me?" The roof was where Elliot and Olivia could breathe. They had amazing conversations up there, sometimes even bordering on deeply personal but Olivia's guard always seemed to get in the way. Elliot figured that today, she might just need some space to breathe and to get things off her chest before they head undercover.

A small smile graced Olivia's mouth and she finally looked up at him. "El, I'm fine." She sighed. "I know you're here for me but I honestly don't want to talk about it."

"I do, Liv. We need to talk about what happened in the elevator."

"Nothing happened, El. Nothing. And I'm done with this conversation."

"Liv…"

"No, Elliot. Not today. Not right now. Not before we go undercover." She had turned steely and cold. All business, no nonsense, badass Benson and Elliot realized that she had spent the last 3 hours sealing the cracks in her wall's foundation and it was firmly back in place protecting her heart.

He sighed deeply. "Okay. Not today. But soon, Olivia."

"Soon. I promise."

She returned to staring at her files and he returned to staring, quite unabashedly at her. Neither of them prepared or what that night would bring.


	10. Chapter 10

By the time 6 pm rolled around, Olivia and Elliot still had not spoke to one another. Oliva was wrapping up her analysis of the "Duct Tape Rapist" and Elliot was working on paperwork, though truth be told, most of his attention was focused on Olivia.

Olivia stood suddenly, raised her arms above her head, unconsciously giving Elliot a peek at a sliver of her toned stomach as her sweater rode up above her waistline. She grabbed her coat and some files without saying anything and started to walk to the elevator.

"Liv! Wait up!" Elliot called, almost frantically trying to stuff his arm in the sleeve of his pea coat while jogging to catch up.

"El, I'll meet you at the bar. I'm going to head home to get ready."

"At least let me give you a ride." Elliot's voice was a little shaky and she could tell he was desperate to fix whatever was going on with her.

"I drove, remember?" Olivia smirked, her mood lightening at his obvious concern for her.

"Oh. Well, at least let me pick you up tonight?"

"Sure." She relented with a sigh. Olivia was anxious to remove herself from Elliot's presence at least for right now. She needed time to focus on the case without becoming distracted by his cologne, his eyes, his eyes on her skin, his mouth, the way he put his hands behind his head, exposing his large, hard chest when he took a break from working, the way their lips had almost brushed in the elevator... Yes. She needed a break and time to focus on the undercover operation. She shook her head and tried to suppress the heat that was rising up her neck to her cheeks.

"How about 8? Cragen said to get there by 9."

"Sounds great. I'll be ready." Olivia spoke quietly, her mind half clouded by his nearness.

The elevator tone sounded and the doors opened, allowing the detectives to enter. Olivia immediately moved to the back corner, a safe distance from Elliot. The ride down to the parking garage was uncomfortably quiet, each lost in thought about the other. The air was humid and thick with electric emotion now that Olivia and Elliot were truly alone. Elliot, feeling that familiar pull to be closer to her and moved to lean against the back railing, a little closer to Olivia than socially comfortable. Her lower belly coiled with heat and desire and she pulled her arms around herself in an effort to reign her feelings in.

Olivia prayed the elevator would hurry. Elliot prayed that by some miracle it would get stuck.

He let his hand slide along the railing, slowly inching toward Olivia's waist. When his fingers brushed her side, she gasped at the bolt of warmth that flooded her senses. He took that as a good sign, flattened his hand and moved it along the small of her back achingly slowly.

"El." Olivia's voice was hoarse. "What are you doing?"

"You know what I'm doing, Liv. Look at me."

"El..." Olivia slowly turned her head to face him, both relishing and resenting his proximity and most certainly determined not to kiss him.

Elliot brought his left hand to her face and brushed he hair to the side. When their eyes connected, Olivia wanted to cry. There was so much concern and love in Elliot's eyes and her emotions made her weak in the knees. She leaned further into the wall of the elevator for support.

"Liv, we need to talk." Elliot whispered, so close now that their foreheads were almost touching. His thumb slowly ran along her cheek bone as his large hand cupped the side of her face.

"We need to talk about this. About what I'm feeling, about what you're trying really hard to not feel. We need to talk about it." With that the elevator stopped. Elliot placed a gentle, lingering kiss on the corner of her mouth and stepped off the elevator into the dim parking garage.

Olivia was left stunned and weak in the elevator. Her breath was shallow and as she pressed the back of her head against the cool metal of the elevator wall, she could feel the heat from their brief encounter on her skin. She closed her eyes briefly then pushed herself off the wall and headed out into the parking garage. Elliot was gone and she was left to drive home in silent contemplation.

By the time Olivia arrived home, her mind emotions were bouncing from giddy to angry to confused and back again. She could not understand her partner right now and for her, that was a foreign feeling. Throw in her own emotions towards him and her mind was in a tizzy. She decided just to pour all of her energy into the undercover operation for now. When this was over and their suspect was in custody, then they could sit down and talk about this. Then she could tell him that it was clearly just the stress of the situation that was making him act like this and he could tell her that he didn't know what he was thinking and they could just go back to being best friends and sweeping all other emotions under the rug as usual.

"Yeah, right." She said with a sigh as she stepped under the hot shower spray. The steam of the shower eased the muscles in her neck and shoulders that she had clenched in anxiousness all day and the soft sound of the water began to calm her. She made sure to run a razor over her legs as she would probably need to wear a dress to fit in with the crowd at the bar and washed herself with her favorite vanilla lilac body wash. She was at ease by the time she stepped out of the shower and on to her white bath mat.

Checking the clock she noticed that it was close to 7:15 so she hurriedly dried off and picked out her favorite bra and panty combination. Wrapping a towel around her hair she walked to the closet to pick out her dress. Fortunately, she was not lacking in selection. She picked a classic black dress with a strapless sweetheart neckline that displayed her gorgeous curves perfectly. The fabric was thicker and had a slight sheen to it. It made Olivia's eyes sparkle. She decided to pair her dress with a diamond bracelet and black pumps with a small ankle strap. Olivia stood in front of her bathroom mirror and carefully applied dark, smoky eye shadow and deep red lipstick that perfected her look.

Pleased with how her makeup had turned out, she turned her attention to her hair. She rough dried it which gave her auburn locks a textured and sexy look. She was just working pinning her hair back in a half up half down look when Elliot knocked on the door. 

"It's open!" She called from the bathroom and listened for him to walk in and shut the door.

"Make yourself comfortable, El. I'll be out in a sec."

"Got it." Elliot called back. "You want a drink?"

"No. I'm good."

Elliot took a glass down from one of Olivia's cabinets and found the bottle of scotch she kept for special occasions. He needed to calm his nerves down after his stunt in the elevator. As he opened the freezer to grab some ice, a folder fell off the top of the refrigerator and opened at his feet. Elliot bent down to scoop up the papers, truly attempting to not invade her privacy by snooping, and began to put everything back in the folder when a word caught his eye. He stood slowly and placed the folder on the counter and began leafing through its contents. There were cards from her doctor's office, pamphlets on pregnancy, babies, sperm donation and…

"Artificial Insemination? Oh my god, Liv's pregnant." His hand shot to his mouth and he hurriedly tried to stuff everything back in the folder before she discovered his intrusion but just at that moment, Olivia, gorgeous, lethal, Olivia appeared from her bedroom. Noticing Elliot's panic, she calmly walked over to him, took the folder from his hand and placed it back on top of the fridge. His eyes darted from hers to her stomach and back again more times that she could keep track of.

"Liv." Elliot's voice cracked. "Liv, what was that?"

"None of your business, Elliot. We're leaving now." Olivia's stilettoes clicked on the wood floor angrily as she grabbed her coat and moved to open the door. She didn't even wait for him at the elevator, choosing instead to bypass it in favor of the stairs. She reached his car a good three minutes before he did and stood with her arms folded across her chest by the passenger door.

Elliot reached the car and unlocked it. They both climbed in and remained absolutely silent. Unfortunately for Olivia, Elliot was more determined than ever to get her to talk.

"Olivia. I am NOT taking you on an undercover assignment if you're pregnant. You might as well go back upstairs now because there is NO way I'm putting you or a baby in that kind of danger."

"Drive, Elliot."

"Absolutely not and if I have to, I'll call Cragen. I'm assuming he has no idea since he assigned this to you."

"Elliot, just drive." Olivia was exasperated. "I'm not pregnant and I'm not having this conversation."

"You're not pregnant?" If Olivia didn't know better, she would have thought there was relief in Elliot's voice. "You're not pregnant? Then what was all that stuff on top of the fridge? Artificial Insemination? C'mon, Liv? Really? Why would you not tell me about that?!"

"Elliot, if you would stop and think for a second, you would realize that I tried to tell you. The night we went out to dinner? When we saw Kathy? If you would pull your head out of your ass you would remember that had been trying to tell you something that night."

"Oh, shit."

"Yeah, oh shit." She cast a glare at Elliot from behind her mascaraed lashes. "My appointment is this week. That's what I was going to tell you before your wife decided to turn into the world's biggest bitch."

Elliot smiled at this. "I'm happy for you Liv. If this is what you want, then I support you 100%. I have to ask though, why now?"

"Why not? I'm tired of waiting for life to hand me the family that I want. It's clearly not in the cards for me to do this the normal way. Start the car, Elliot. We're going to be late."

Elliot looked over at her and noticed tears were threatening to ruin her makeup. He turned the key in the ignition and headed for the bar. _Hopefully, this won't take long_, Elliot thought to himself. He sped away into the city, leaving her apartment building and their issues behind for now hoping to return to both soon.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N Thank you all very much for your reviews. I am humbled.**

_Elliot looked over at her and noticed tears were threatening to ruin her makeup. He turned the key in the ignition and headed for the bar. Hopefully, this won't take long, Elliot thought to himself. He sped away into the city, leaving her apartment building and their issues behind for now hoping to return to both soon_

The bar was dark with thumping music that made Elliot's head spin. Strobe lights bounced from wall to wall and a few sweaty people were already grinding on the dance floor. It was still early, so the bar was not nearly as full as it could be and Olivia and Elliot found a booth in the corner near the bar quite easily. From this vantage point they could see most of the room and the door so they could survey who was coming in and going out. Olivia slid into the rounded booth and Elliot scooted towards her from the other side. The booth seat was connected and they met in the middle, thighs brushing accidentally. Olivia apologized quickly and moved to scoot away when Elliot's strong hand found her thigh just below the hemline of her dress and stopped her.

"We're supposed to be undercover, Liv. We can't act like cops. People come to this bar on dates, not to get work done."

Olivia huffed in frustration but relaxed a bit and stayed put.

"Let's at least try to look happy, okay?"

"Yeah, alright. I don't want to mess this up." Olivia relented.

Officer Hudson walked in at that moment, her blonde hair shining in the dimness and took a seat at the bar near Olivia and Elliot.

"Okay, let the show begin." Elliot mumbled.

A perky waitress bounced over to their table and took their drink orders; club soda with lemon for both since they were on the job. Olivia settled back in the cushy black leather seat , crossed her gorgeous tan legs and made herself a little more comfortable. Elliot slipped off his sports coat and hung it on the hook by the booth. The waitress came back just as he was sliding back to his spot next to Olivia with their drinks and a shot of tequila that she set in front of Olivia.

"Oh, thank you but I didn't order that." Olivia said with a half-smile as she pushed the shot glass back towards the waitress.

"Courtesy of the gentleman at the bar." The waitress said with a smirk and walked away swishing her hips as she went. Olivia cocked her eyebrow at Elliot and then scanned the bar for the man the waitress had referred to. She found him, sitting on the opposite side of the room from her and raking his eyes up and down her body – from her face to her chest and back up. He couldn't see the rest from because she was seated.

"Elliot. Pull out your phone please and pull up the sketch of the guy we're looking for." Olivia said softly while smiling and raising the shot glass in thanks towards the slimy looking man.

Elliot clicked on his phone and pulled up his pictures. Only then did Olivia notice that he had kept his hand on her leg. She immediately missed his touch and was momentarily shocked at how comfortable she had apparently been. Looking at the picture on Elliot's phone, it was clear that man in the sketch looked eerily similar to the man at the bar.

"I thought he went for blondes…" Olivia said.

"Yeah, me too. I'm going to text Cragen and let him know that we may have to pull out of this one."

"What?! Elliot we are not losing this one just because he's taken an interest in me instead of Hudson!"

"Keep it down, Liv! And yes, we are most certainly not using you for bait."

"Why? It's not like I haven't done this before. Calm the hell down Elliot and let's see how this plays out. Now, get up and go to the bathroom."

"What? Olivia. I am not leaving you alone with him."

"Well, he's not going to make a move until you leave so get out of here. You can watch from the other side of the room for a bit and then come back. I just want to see what he'll do. Text Cragen and tell him we've got a different situation than we originally thought. Now go!"

Elliot placed his hand on Olivia's thigh once again and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Be careful."

A warm tingle swept through Olivia's stomach. She had to work to not grab his hand and pull him back to her. She suppressed her feelings with some effort, locked eyes with him and whispered sincerely, "Will do. Go."

He slid out of the booth and stalked towards the bathroom.

Once he was gone, Olivia focused her attention on the greasy man at the bar. His hair was dark and too long. He needed a shave and possibly some clean clothes. He wore a plaid shirt, dark jeans, and leather bomber jacket and looked like a bad mix of country boy trying to fit in the city. He was certainly not the kind of person that usually gave their patronage to this particular bar and yet he didn't stand out. In fact, he kind of disappeared if you weren't looking right at him. Olivia wasn't even sure she would have noticed him if not for the drink he sent her.

Olivia glanced at Hudson who had clearly not noticed him either as she appeared to be flirting heavily with the bartender.

"Rookie." Olivia muttered under her breath. She took a deep breath and decided to make a move. She slid out of the booth and made a show at rearranging the hemline of her dress when she stood up, making sure that her legs were on full display. She sauntered over to the bar and pretended to be waiting patiently for the bartender to notice her.

A couple minutes later while the bartender was still flirting with Hudson, the greasy man stood from his barstool and made his way towards Olivia. She pretended to be oblivious. He creeped up beside her and leaned heavily on the bar counter a little too close for her comfort. She turned and was about to thank him for the drink when she felt a cold, metal object press against her side.

"Don't move. Don't scream, don't do anything suspicious, just keep smiling and pretend like nothing's going on." The man whispered. "Now, invite me back to the booth and let's have a chat, Detective Benson."

Olivia moved slowly back to the booth and sat down. The man slid in next to her and put his arm around her waist. The hand holding the gun stayed planted at her other side.

"What do you want?" Olivia sneered, more angry than frightened.

"Lots of things, Detective Benson, but mostly, I want to walk out of here with the guarantee that no one will look for me ever again and that the NYPD will drop this case."

"Not likely." Olivia scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Do you have any idea what will happen if you hurt me? Do you have any clue the kind of hell that you'll go through when my partner gets ahold of you?"

"He won't!" The man spat, curing his lip in frustration and rising anger. "You're going to make sure of that!"

"Ha! What do you think I'm going to do, huh?"

"You will first get rid of Detective Stabler. He's a loose cannon and can't be trusted in this delicate situation. You will then call your captain and instruct him order the undercover officers out of the area and tell the swat team to go home. We will then get in your car and you will drive me to the coast. The rest is a surprise."

"And what if I refuse?"

"I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"And why's that, jackass? Why should I do anything you want? I'm going to make sure you rot in jail for the rest of your miserable life!" Olivia was fuming now and felt a "Stabler" moment coming on. She knew she needed to regain her composure in order to get out of this alive.

The man's face immediately darkened. His eyes disappeared into his murky black pupils and his breathing became slightly erratic. Taking a moment, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. When he opened his eyes again, a eerie calmness had enveloped him once again. He whispered in Olivia's ear, so close that she could feel his rank breath on her ear lobe "Then I will destroy everything you love. Everything and everyone that is important to you. And I'll make sure you never recover. I'll put you through hell and I'll start with Detective Stabler's children."

At that moment a shot rang out. The entire bar went silent for a brief moment and then everyone started screaming and running. No one knew where the shot had come from but everyone scrambled for the exits anyway. Elliot rushed from his position at the restroom towards the booth where Olivia sat, trembling now, in the arms of the Duct Tape Rapist. The man lowered his arm from firing the gun into the ceiling and returned it to Olivia's side.

"Liv! Liv, are you okay?! Are you hurt?!" Elliot ran towards them pushing past frantic people and weaving through the crowd.

"I'm fine, El. Get out of here."

"Ah, Detective Stabler, I thought that might bring you out of hiding. Join us, won't you?" The man smiled a disturbing half-cocked and toothy smile.

Elliot stopped abruptly when he saw the gun at Olivia's side and the panic in her eyes.

"El, please, you need to leave." She held his gaze intensely, trying to communicate the danger of the situation.

"Liv, I can't leave you. You know that." The absolute fear in his voice struck Olivia deeply.

"El, you have to. Please. For the sake of your family, you need to go."

"Elliot, you really should listen to her…" The man sneered, pulling Olivia's hair away from her neck and moving to inhale her scent. His nose brushed against the column of her neck and made Olivia want to vomit. Elliot closed his eyes as his stomach churned unpleasantly.

"Elliot," Olivia spoke quietly, her voice shaking. "please, I need you to go. And I need you to tell Cragen to fall back and send everyone home. I'll be fine. The operation is over. They can go home."

"Olivia, you know they won't do that."

"You have to convince them and you need to do it right now." Olivia was crying now. The only thing she could think about were his beautiful children. If anything happened to them she would never be able to forgive herself and if protecting them and Elliot meant complying with this sicko then that's what she was going to do.

The man tightened his hold on Olivia and pushed the gun farther into her side causing her to cry out in pain.

"Okay, okay. I'll go just don't hurt her. Please, God don't hurt her." Elliot was on the verge of tears now. His mind was spinning with every possible scenario and nothing he came up with got her out safely. He backed up slowly with his arms raised and made for the door. He was terrified that if he left he would never see her again but he hadn't killed her yet so he obviously needed her help to get out of this alive. She was useful and therefore not in immediate danger. That bought him time to think of a plan.

He continued backing up towards the door, eyes focused on Olivia, when all of the sudden, Officer Hudson appeared from behind the bar with her gun trained on the man in the booth.

"Hudson! NO!" Olivia screamed but it was too late. The man had startled at her sudden appearance, twitched, and fired directly into Olivia's side. She slumped over, forehead hitting the table hard. The man moved to stand up but it was too late. Hudson fired twice, hitting him squarely in the chest both times. He fell to the floor and didn't move.

Elliot rushed to Olivia and pulled her out of the booth. She had already lost a great deal of blood and he immediately took his button up shirt off and tied it in a tourniquet style around her slim waist. Putting pressure on it, he yelled at for Officer Hudson for help. People were already rushing into the bar after hearing the shots and Cragen was on his radio instantly, ordering a bus.

Elliot was pale and shaking. Keeping pressure on her wound, he bent down to Olivia's lifeless face and whispered in her ear "I love you. Stay with me, Liv. You can't leave me. I need you, dammit. You can't leave me." Blood was everywhere. Elliot was soaked, the shirt he tied around Olivia was soaked, and he knew she wouldn't survive much longer without a transfusion.

Her pulse became weaker and weaker and as the tears finally began to blur Elliot's vision, the EMS team arrived and scooped Olivia up onto a stretcher. Elliot turned over the job of managing Olivia's wound to the emergency workers but refused to let go of her hand. He ran alongside them as they rolled her out of the bar and into the waiting ambulance. As the bar and his coworkers who were standing helplessly in the street, began disappearing from site, Olivia's hand fell from Elliot's and her heart stopped beating.


	12. Chapter 12

_As the bar and his coworkers who were standing helplessly in the street, began disappearing from site, Olivia's hand fell from Elliot's and her heart stopped beating._

Elliot was on the verge of a panic attack. The waiting room that he had be ushered into as the wheeled Olivia to the operating room was beginning to spin around him but still he couldn't sit still. He hadn't had her back. He should have never left her alone. He should have stayed closer, protected her, killed that bastard himself, anything but what he actually did, which was nothing. His other half, his partner, his best friend was bleeding out in a goddamn hospital because he hadn't done his job. At that moment he would have given his last breath to see her open her eyes and know that she was okay. He was suddenly nauseated and ran to the garbage bin to relieve his stomach. Standing up shakily, Elliot let his emotions out in the only way he knew how without Olivia.

And this is how his co-workers found him; on the floor, cradling his fist in his lap, with a few rather large dents in the drywall above him. Maybe it was the divorce, the stress of finding out his family was falling apart but Elliot had suddenly realized that Olivia was his foundation and the only safe place he had ever had and he had absolutely no idea who he would become if she didn't survive.

Cragen bent down and rested his hand on Elliot's back. "C'mon, detective, let's get you up and get you some water."

Elliot stood up carefully and allowed Cragen and Fin to help him to a nearby chair while Munch went to find a bottle of water and a nurse for Elliot's hand. Elliot lowered his face into his hands and remained that way until Munch returned. The nurse bandaged Elliot's swollen hand and fingers and together the four detectives began a grueling wait to hear news about Olivia.

Sometime during the night, Elliot dozed off into a nightmare filled sleep. All he could see was her eyes and he watched helplessly as they filled with blood and then closed. He woke with a start when someone called his name.

"Elliot Stabler?"

"Yes? Oh, doctor. How is she?!" Elliot tripped over himself trying to stand quickly and his movements roused the other detectives.

"The next few hours will be touch and go. As you know," he nodded towards Elliot, "she coded in the ambulance and then once more on the operating table." Fin caught Elliot before he fell at this news. "The shot must have been angled so it went in through her back. It was a clean shot, through and through. It nicked an artery and part of one of her kidneys but she's going to be fine. We stitched her up, she'll need physical therapy and will be in a significant amount of pain for a few weeks but she's alive. She's extremely lucky."

Elliot and the other detectives drew in shaky breaths. Only Cragen had the presence of mind to thank the doctor while Much and Fin gather around an already sitting Elliot.

"She gonna be okay, Elliot." Munch said, reassuringly.

"Yeah. Yeah she is. Thank God."

Olivia blinked slowly and opened her eyes, momentarily blinded by the fluorescent light of the recovery room.

"Hi, Detective. Glad to see you're awake." A young nurse, brunette nurse smiled down at a very confused Olivia.

"What?" Olivia croaked, mouth parched from the breathing tube that had been inserted during the surgery.

"How are you feeling?" The nurse continued while she check the bags of fluid hanging by Olivia's bedside.

"Terrible. What's going on?"

"You were injured in the line of duty. I'll page your doctor so he can tell you more. Would you like for me to bring your family in to see you? They've been waiting quite a while."

"I don't have family, you must be mistaken." Olivia stated, trying to readjust in the bed but having very little luck.

"Hmm…they've been harassing me about every five minutes for a report. Are you sure they're not family? One of them has a vein the bulges in his neck when he gets angry."

"Elliot's here?" Olivia's heart rate elevated and she suddenly felt very desperate to see him.

"Oh, so you knew who I was referring to, huh? They certainly think of you as their family."

"Yeah, they do. Can you bring the one with the anger problem in please?" Olivia gave a half smile and the nurse nodded.

"Just for a few minutes and then you need to rest By the way, you probably shouldn't try to move for a while. Don't want you to bust your stitches." The nurse called as she left the room.

Elliot did all he could to not sprint to Olivia's room. When the nurse had come in and said she was asking for him, he about knocked her over on his way out. As he approached her room, he straightened is very wrinkled white undershirt and gently knocked on the door before pushing it open.

Olivia, pale, bruised and drugged, had to be the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He softly approached her bedside and clasped her hand, prompting her eyelids to flutter open. She turned her head slowly and looked down at Elliot who had tears running down his cheeks.

"Hey, El."

"Hey." Elliot choked. "How are you feeling?"

"Confused. What happened?"

"You don't remember? I failed you, Liv. I didn't protect you and you got hurt. Really hurt." The tears streamed faster now but as he turned to wipe them away, Olivia raised her hand and cupped the side of his face, brushing away some of his tears with her thumb.

"Shhh…El, it's okay. I'm okay."

Elliot turned into her hand and brought his own up to cover hers. The two sat like that for a few moments until the doctor came in.

"Olivia, how are you feeling?" The doctor's voice seemed to boom in the small room.

He was a large man with a tinge of gray running through his dark hair, significantly taller than Elliot with large features.

"Great. When can I go home?"

Elliot eyed the doctor and burst out laughing.

"Liv, slow down honey."

"I get the sense that you don't like hospitals, Olivia." The doctor stated with a lilt of humor in his voice.

"That would be an understatement." Confirmed Elliot.

"Well, Olivia we will try to get you out of here as soon as possible but you've been through some major surgery so let's take our time with this." He smiled kindly at her as she settled back into the bed.

"Okay, so what happened?" Olivia's pain meds were starting to kick in and she closed her eyes briefly, as she reached for Elliot's hand.

"Elliot, you better listen for her. She's going to be out in a moment. Those pain meds are a doozy!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." Olivia piped up quite hoarsely.

"Okay, little lady. If you say so." The doctor chuckled. "Well, as far as gunshots to the abdomen go, this one was one of the luckiest shots I have seen. The bullet was a through and through. Nicked an artery and one of your kidneys, but other than that, no major organs or arteries were affected."

Olivia had gone paler than the sheets she was lying on.

The doctor continued. "So you have quite a few stitches across your abdomen. Those will need to be removed in about a week. I've got you on heavy antibiotics to prevent infection as well as percocet to help with the pain. I will get you home in a couple days and you can continue your bed rest there with supervision of course. You will be on bed rest for at least six weeks for your abdomen and another three for your heart."

Olivia stared straight through the doctor, lost in thought until Elliot began rubbing her arm tenderly.

"O...okay, thank you doctor." She nodded at him shakily.

"Do you have any questions, Olivia?"

"No." She closed her eyes and the doctor took the hint. He nodded at Elliot, patted him on the shoulder and left the room.

"El."

"Yeah, babe?"

"What happened to your hand?" Olivia eyed his bandages with concern.

"I fought a wall and the wall won."

"Ah. I see." Olivia gave a weak smile and then turned stoic again.

"Elliot, how did I get here? I don't remember anything."

"You sure you want to know?"

Olivia nodded.

Elliot took a deep, steadying breath and began:

"We were in the club. The sleazeball rapist made a pass at you so we decided to pursue that and see if we could get him without using Officer Hudson. But, he made us. Actually, he knew exactly who we were by name which was odd. He held a gun to your side and I couldn't get there fast enough. Liv, I'm so sorry. Officer Hudson had been hiding in the bar. She startled him and he shot you. Hudson killed him. I froze, Liv. I couldn't do anything. You kept telling me to leave but I couldn't do anything." Elliot was on the verge of tears again so Olivia squeezed his hand to calm him. "You coded twice. I watched the life drain out of you in the ambulance and I guess once they had you on the operating table, you coded again. Liv, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I'm here and I'm fine…"

"Okay, Olivia time to get you moved into your room for the next few days!" The bubbly nurse returned, breaking the somber air in the room and making Elliot jump in his chair.

"How's the hand, Rambo?" The nurse joked with Elliot who offered a small smile while rubbing his bandages.

"It's fine. Thanks for your help earlier."

"Not a problem!" the nurse chortled while adjusting Olivia's fluids and taking her vitals. "Okay, Olivia, I need to check your bandages now which may cause a little discomfort. Elliot, would you mind waiting outside for a bit?"

"No. It's okay. He can stay." Olivia responded quickly, reaching out her hand for his. She needed his strength.

Olivia winced in pain and squeezed Elliot's hand while the nurse removed and re-bandaged her wound. Elliot tried to distract her with conversation but when that didn't work, he found himself simply stroking her cheek and hair. This seemed to have the most impact as Olivia physically relaxed each time he placed his hand on the crown of her head or passed his thumb over her cheekbone. Maybe it was the drugs or just the situation, but Elliot was quite certain that he and Olivia had never been this physical with one another. He relished every second and every touch. She did the same though made no acknowledgement of it.

Once Olivia's wound had been tended to, the nurse wheeled her bed to a private room on the third floor. As Olivia was getting settled, Elliot phoned Cragen and told him Olivia's new room number. The three men arrived a few moments later having detoured at the gift shop. The sight of Fin holding a pink stuffed teddy bear was enough to make even Olivia laugh though she did so gently for fear of hurting herself. Cragen placed a bouquet of flowers by her bed and Munch and Fin took their places on either side of her. They chatted for a few moments, everyone expressing their joy that she was going to be okay, before the nurse came back and shooed them out. Cragen, Fin, and Munch bid their goodbyes and promised to come back tomorrow. The nurse eyed Elliot carefully as if expecting him to leave as well but as he settled in the chair next to Olivia and grasped her hand, she decided not to fight it. Olivia was in for a long night and she just might need him by her side.


	13. Chapter 13

_The nurse eyed Elliot carefully as if expecting him to leave as well but as he settled in the chair next to Olivia and grasped her hand, she decided not to fight it. Olivia was in for a long night and she just might need him by her side. _

Olivia and Elliot were alone once again. The air had changed in the room as soon as the nurse had left and Elliot was suddenly nervous. He had never been in a situation where Olivia was not as strong as she usually was. Elliot worried that she would push him away and try to do everything herself in an attempt to put her wall back up and create distance between them. Elliot was not about to let that happen. He held her hand and moved his thumb over her knuckles tenderly and waited for her to speak. She had been staring at the door since the nurse had closed it behind her.

"How are you feeling, Liv?" Elliot broke the silence finally and cautiously.

"Tired." Olivia answered, not breaking her gaze.

"Go to sleep. I'll be right here."

"Why?" Olivia turned her head now to face Elliot. Her gaze was so intense that he felt she was trying to see the answer for herself in his eyes.

"What do you mean, why?" Elliot asked, thoroughly confused. _How could she even ask that?_ "You're my partner. You were shot. I'm not leaving you."

"Is that all it is? Because I'm pretty sure Munch would leave Fin here and not give it a second thought. I'm also pretty convinced that Fin wouldn't let Munch hold his hand."

"So why are you letting me hold your hand, Liv?" Elliot asked, a little more forcefully than he intended.

Tears suddenly appeared in the corners of Olivia's bright brown eyes and Elliot's heart immediately dropped to the floor.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean it like that. I know you're in pain and I'll hold your hand all night if that's what you want."

Olivia wanted to scream. The tears flowed freely down her cheeks now. Her fears of being his rebound were overtaking her and the fact that he had challenged her instead of answering her question when she had so boldly confronted the very large pink elephant in the room killed her. She didn't want him to hold her hand because of the pain. She wanted him to be there because he couldn't imagine being anywhere else. She wanted him to be there because his heart physically hurt without her, like hers did when he wasn't with her. She wanted him to feel what she felt everyday – the longing, the insatiable need for touch, for contact and hidden glances, and reassurance, but she couldn't force him to feel and the tears kept flowing.

Elliot, unbelievably alarmed now, got up from his chair and sat next to her on the bed. She tried to push him away, tried to turn her head to hide her tears but she was exhausted and he wasn't having any of it. Suddenly, Elliot saw her emotion for what it was. He only saw her like this when she was scared, petrified, and like a cloud had been lifted from over his eyes, Elliot understood. Olivia was afraid, terrified even of something.

Slowly, Elliot brought his hands to her cheeks and ever so tenderly wiped away her tears with his thumbs. He stroked her hair over and over again until her breathing became steady again and then whispered gently "What are you afraid of, Liv?"

"You." Her singular, quiet reply broke his heart.

Elliot pressed a kiss tender kiss to her forehead. "I'm sorry, Liv. I've been pushing you into something that you weren't ready for. We don't have to talk about it. We can pretend the touches, the kiss in the elevator, all of it never happened."

Olivia closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and asked the last question she could think of that would bring her peace. "Is any of it real, Elliot?"

Elliot was stunned. He looked her directly in the eyes and said: "Every touch, every whisper, every time I feel inextricably drawn to be at your side is real. Every time my heart beats faster, or I lose concentration, or I get lost in your eyes is real. Every goosebump, every smile, every rush of heat or excitement at your presence is real. The cold, emptiness I feel when you're not with me is real. The pain when you're hurt, the joy in my heart when you're happy, the complete fulfillment I feel when I see you with my kids is real. The peace that washes over me when it's just you and me is real. You, Olivia. You have been my everything since the moment I met you. You are my sun and my stars, my slow jazz when the mood is right, you're in every breath I've taken since the moment I laid eyes on you. You are my foundation, my home, my perfect and I can't live without you anymore."

Elliot was crying now, staring into Olivia's eyes. He had laid it all out on the line and if she wanted him to leave, he would leave. If she wanted to punch him, she could do that too. He didn't care anymore. He was tired of hiding. Tired of forcing emotions deep inside. He didn't care what happened next because all he cared about was her.

Olivia's heart was so full that it ached. She slowly lifted her hand and brought it to Elliot's face. "El, I didn't know. I didn't know. I'm so sorry." She shook her head gently. "I had no idea that you felt the same." With that she slowly brought his face down to hers. They were both breathless and he rested his forehead against hers momentarily.

"Are you sure?" He breathed.

"I'm more sure about us than I've ever been about anything before in my whole life." She gently put more pressure on the back of his head, fingers curling in his hair. His lips were feather light over hers momentarily until she raised her head slightly and finally connected with him. His lips fit hers perfectly and neither Olivia or Elliot had ever been so overwhelmed by just a kiss before. Her lips slid easily over his, gently nipping and sucking and pulling until he opened his mouth and eagerly let her in. They explored each other thoroughly; tongues dancing, massaging, and playing back and forth. Olivia was in heaven and Elliot was pretty sure he would never recover. The power of their connection was so intense that this kiss felt to each detective like the fulfillment of everything they had been through together. They knew immediately that this was where they were supposed to be: in each other's arms for the rest of their lives.

Elliot was the first to break the kiss. Though reluctant, he was desperate to see Olivia's eyes. He needed to know that she felt it too. Her gaze was hazy, clouded with emotion and desire. Their eyes connected and they smiled shyly at each other. Elliot pressed his forehead to hers again and whispered "Liv, that was amazing. I've never felt like this before."

Olivia smiled deeply and wrapped both of her arms around his neck. "Me either." With that, Elliot pulled back and kissed her forehead.

"Get some sleep, love. I'll be here when you wake."

"K. Sweet dreams, El."

"You too." Elliot climbed up next to Olivia in the small hospital bed and laid on his side facing her. He draped his arm on her upper chest and curved his forearm so his hand rested on the side of her head. He stroked her hair until she fell asleep and then he drifted off himself feeling more alive than he had ever felt before.


	14. Chapter 14

_He draped his arm on her upper chest and curved his forearm so his hand rested on the side of her head. He stroked her hair until she fell asleep and then he drifted off himself feeling more alive than he had ever felt before._

A sweet older nurse named Beth came in several times that night to check Olivia's vitals which unfortunately, did not prove conducive to a restful night's sleep for either detective. Eventually, around 4:30 Elliot and Olivia flipped on the television and moved the bed into a slightly elevated position.

"This okay?" Elliot asked, with trepidation as he raised the top of the bed slightly so that she could see the tv mounted across the room.

"Ye-ah." Olivia winced, readjusting herself. "Beth has been bouncing in and out all night and she picks now to go AWOL? I would kill for a Vicodin right now."

"Must be a shift change. I'll try paging her again." Just as Elliot reached over Olivia to push the red button on her side of the bed to page the nurse, the door swung open and a new nurse appeared, holding Olivia's chart.

Elliot, still in position draped over Olivia, went white.

"Kathy. What are you doing here?" Elliot was cold and stoic now.

"I could ask you the same thing, Mr. Stabler." Kathy answered flatly, not looking up from Olivia's chart. "Looks like you're due for a dressing change, Ms. Benson."

Olivia gave Elliot a wide-eyed stare. "Kathy, with all due respect, I would like to request a different nurse." Olivia said, politely but firmly.

Kathy shut her chart quickly and stared straight into Olivia's eyes. Olivia was shocked to find that the woman was close to tears. "You think this is easy for me, Olivia? Walking in here, trying to pretend like I have no idea what's been going on all night with you two? And you…" she turned fiercely to Elliot now. "You could at least have the decency to not flaunt your affair at the hospital where I work not to mention on my floor!" Kathy was in tears now. She looked at Olivia once more with disdain and then huffed out of the room.

"Elliot, go after her." Olivia said, hoarsely, placing her hand on his arm.

"What? No! Why should I? She cheated on me. I've done nothing wrong. Our marriage is over and I have nothing to apologize for."

"I didn't tell you to apologize. I told you to go after her. Talk this out instead of letting these feelings fester. Figure out what the hell has been going on with her and who the hell this "Greg" guy is. Talk to her, don't shut her out. Trust me. It will make things easier for you in the long run. And while you're out there, find a damn nurse who can keep her shit together long enough to bring me some damn pain pills." Olivia was breathless but determined. She let go of Elliot's arm and pointed towards the door. "Go."

Elliot looked at her, tilted his head slightly, and smiled. He bent down slowly and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Pain pills first, then Kathy." He whispered into her hair.

"Okay." She smiled at him and readjusted the blanket around herself as she watched him leave the room.

Elliot came back two minutes later with a different nurse who came bearing Vicodin and a new set of dressing for Olivia's wound. Elliot stayed with Olivia until her bandages had all been changed and she was once again comfortable in bed. She wasn't used to having someone there to take care of her and admittedly, it made her uncomfortable to have Elliot waiting on her like he was, but she also knew that he needed this. Elliot was above all else, a fierce protector and Olivia knew better than to question or tamper that side of him in this particular situation. On the job, she matched him point for point when his over protectiveness got out of hand. On the job, Olivia had proven herself quite capable of taking care of herself and he had all but stopped questioning her. This was different. This was Elliot repenting for some sin he thought he committed in not being able to prevent her from getting hurt, and if he needed that she would oblige.

Elliot clasped her hand gently and walked out of the room to find Kathy. Olivia settled back and turned the volume up on the television and shut her eyes. The pills were making her drowsy already and Elliot would surely not be back for a while. She silently prayed that she hadn't unintentionally pushed them down a road to reconciliation again but quickly chastised herself for being selfish. Though, she didn't quite know how she would survive only ever kissing Elliot once or only spending one night wrapped in his arms, she was determined not to think about that possibility now and let sleep overcome her.

Elliot stalked down the bright fluorescent hallway towards the nurses' station. Kathy was seated, going over a file.

"Kathy," Elliot said, a little too gruffly perhaps, "we need to talk. Now."

Kathy looked up and sighed. "Elliot, there is nothing to talk about. Not here." Elliot noticed that her ring finger was absent. There was no 20 year old wedding ring or bright shiny new engagement ring to be found.

"He left you, didn't he?" Elliot challenged, pointing to her ring finger.

"Elliot! I am not having this conversation here where my co-workers can overhear!"

"Okay, Kath, then where? Because we are talking about this right now. You know we need to."

"Fine. Let's go up to the roof. People take their smoke breaks up there but we should be able to find a semi-secluded spot." She pushed away from the desk and started down the hallway, not looking to see if Elliot was following her but knowing he was.

The rooftop was surprisingly vacant save for a few younger doctors in residence and Kathy and Elliot were able to find a secluded corner easily.

Elliot leaned against the rail and gazed out over the city. "How did we get here?" He said more to the wind than to the woman next to him. "How are we this distant?"

"You stopped showing up." Kathy spoke with a stony sadness. "You stopped talking to me, stopped caring about my day, my life, who I was and wanted to be."

"Kathy, I never stopped caring about you. When did you start seeing Greg?"

"Elliot." Kathy had a warning tone to her voice.

"No, Kathy. This is part of the discussion. I don't want to rehash every fight about our marriage that we've ever had. We need to talk about the fact that some guy named Greg proposed to you at Giorgio's. How long have you been seeing him?" Elliot's interrogation face was firmly in place now. Not intimidating, but resolved and determined.

"2 years." Kathy mumbled.

"Excuse me?! 2 years?! 2 fucking years of my life I was married to a woman who was done being married to me and you didn't have the goddamn decency to tell me you wanted a divorce? You just shut your mouth and kept your head down and went about life like usu- wait." Elliot stopped ranting and turned abruptly to face Kathy. "Eli. Oh God, Kathy. Is Eli even mine?" Elliot voice had shrunk to that of a whisper. He gripped the metal bar in front of him so tightly that his fingers turned white and stared into Kathy's eyes.

Kathy looked down immediately, studying her shoes and rolling a pebble under her foot. "I – I don't know."

Kathy stood there, with her head down, waiting for it to come, whatever "it" was. She expected a scream, a yell, a rant, cursing, anything displaying Elliot's fierce rage but the rooftop was silent. When she finally chanced a look at Elliot, all she saw was his back disappearing through the rooftop door.


End file.
